Dead Last

I'm taking a poll. That's right, a poll. Of course it's not a gallop poll affiliated by the AP, or The Washington Post, but a poll is a poll. I've presented before you a simple question worthy only of an even simpler answer. "How many people are sick to death of hearing that 'nice guys always finish first' "? That's it. I've laid it out, and no, it's not flashy, it might actually be quite boring, but it's a buzz worthy question that will hopefully stir up some needed attention.Frankly, I've never been more tired of a statement in my life. Let's face the simple characteristics of being a truly "nice" guy, and make an educated decision on the validity of the phrase under investigation.

• Fact #1: A truly nice guy will contain foul language and obscenities when in the presence of a female.
  
• Fact #2: A truly nice guy will have any intention but that of a one-night stand.
  
• Fact #3: A truly nice guy will know that women command and deserve every ounce of respect that he can give.
  
• Fact #4: A truly nice guy will never lay an angered hand upon a woman.
  
• Fact #5: A truly nice guy will never disgrace himself by using illicit drugs and excessive amounts of alcohol.
  

My friends, those are the ten, or five, commandments of being a truly nice guy. With them finally in the open, it's no wonder why we really do finish last. And when I mean last, I don't mean second place. I mean dead last- in the Boston Marathon. But let's look at the bright side. Without a loser, how could there be a winner. Not convinced? Neither am I. It amazes me how the supply of the "not-so-nice-guy" is enjoying such a surplus. To me, there's one rule that these people obey.

• Rule #1 (and only): The not-so-nice-guy will do the exact opposite of the five Nice Guys rules stated above. He will be successful in the hunt for constant sexual adventure/ illicit drugs/ copious amounts of alcohol/ all of the above.
  

Can someone please tell me how that's even remotely fair? I didn't think so. It comes as no shock that as plentiful the supply of idiotic men may be, the total of women to court such men is also fairly astronomical. I haven't the slightest on this alien logic. Well, perhaps alien isn't quite the word. It was once alien, for about half an hour in the Garden of Eden, but it must have filed for citizenship. If there was one dream that I would have come true, I wish it were the one where the tables were turned. Instead of this ridiculous norm, in which the chauvinist always gets the girl, and the nice guys eventually gives in to the pressure of loneliness and inevitable defeat, only to become as bad, if not worse! than their newly discovered comrades, a simple reversal of roles would be more than adequate. I envision this (and please forgive me for my fantastical approach to an even more bogus theory): The nice guy would always get the nice girl. The majority of us guys would be, believe it or not, nice guys, and the majority of girls would be, if you can comprehend, respectable. Now let's compare that dream (which it could only be) to the amazing reality we all know so well.

• Nice guys = Minority, to say the absolute least.
  
• Nice girls = "What are nice girls?"
  
• Not-So-Nice Guys = What was the male population in 2003?
  
• Not-So-Nice Girls = What's the female population now?
  

There you have it. If there was one thing to transcend race, religion, and sexual orientation, it's that diverse breakdown you have encountered above. An Indian can easily be a not-so-nice person, as can an American, a Briton, or any person from the continent of South America. In simpler terms, if you live and breath on this planet, chances are you can find yourself under only two of the four listings. Take a stab at which. Ouch - nothing but Aorta.

I suppose I'm not being exactly fair to us nice guys, but what can I say, we're more than used to being ignored, looked right through, and being labeled as born again losers. Fellow nice guys of the world, or at least those of whom who have stumbled across this epic blog, I ask you this: does that devilish lie, which is this focus of my piece, infuriate you? Are you sick and tired of every moronic loser getting the girl you wished you could? I expect nothing less than 'yes' to be answered for both of those questions, but let me tell you something you may not have realized. I'm a nice guy. I follow the rules. I know, for certain fact, that their are other nice guys out there. Trust me, there are nice girls, as well. I'm a guy, and I'll come right out and say that I want a nice girl with amazing looks and wits enough to blow the sweater off my neighbor's Scottie. I'm assuming that's the dream of every nice guy out there, so join the club. But, here's what I've come up with. Sooner or later, the nice guys that stay the course and live firmly by the Five Commandments will meet the girl that, until then, their dreams could only provide. I'm waiting for that day, and it will happen. I guarantee that. However, for those nice guys who swerve and fall short of the goals that they could attain, what's left for them but perpetual loneliness?

I've come to a simple resolution, and it tends to place people into simple demographics (probably simpler than the four divisions of males and females outlined previously). Nice guys will be lonely until they meet that perfect girl. The period of loneliness is unpredictable. We all know that true love can strike with more ferocity than Jaws on steroids, or as slowly as a snail in a salt mine, but that loneliness will end, only to be replaced by a love that's unlike any phenomena known to this world. However, on the down side, natural life, and love with it, is destined to end with the stroke of death. The cycle is quaint, and consists of loneliness, incomparable love, and loneliness once again. Perhaps it's not the most inspiring, but buck up. There's more. The not-so-nice guy will enjoy euphoria until he's worn to the bone. He'll have his excessive parties, orgies, and outrageous antics - and enjoy every second of it. But this euphoria isn't natural It's a blinding aspect of a chemical and chauvinistic high that's exposed by the unadulterated truth of love only gained by a truly nice guy. I'm thankful for that fact that I have the future of love that will shame and humiliate the men and women who took advantage of the things I never wanted. I'll enjoy true love at some point, while my counterparts one the other side will never have the privilege. I know, you must be thinking, "but those truly nice guys will only end their lives in disappointment and loneliness for a second time, having but a taste of true love".

I say this to you.

I would rather die knowing I had love's paradise than live wishing I did.