The Democratic Alchemist

Sometime during my sophomore year of high school, in my English II class, the word "alchemy" came to light. Perhaps it was mentioned in one of the novels we covered, or by a student, but it intrigued the class far enough to search the dictionary. Somewhere between 'absolute' and 'animal', after a few seconds of finger-pointing down the pages, we stumbled across our word. Defined in a distinct form, our minds were satisfying. It read, “A medieval chemical philosophy having as its asserted aims the transmutation of base metals into gold, the discovery of the panacea, and the preparation of the elixir of longevity.” It seems to be fairly fascinating, does it not? Upon further investigation, and a few trips to the land of Encyclopedia Britannica, the definition of alchemy took on new meanings. An alchemist was one who may have devoted his life into mutating metals into gold - an impossible task. An alchemist was one who may have toiled for decades searching for an elixir of immortality - sadly, also impossible. Though the years of impossible dreams and alchemy died with the Age of Reason and Enlightenment, certain principles of alchemy still, oddly enough, exist today - and in the most unusual of places. Let's jump the year 2004. Specifically, to the mind of Senator, and Presidential hopeless, John Kerry. Here is an alchemist if I've ever had the pleasure of seeing one on Fox News. Don't be mistaken, John Kerry isn't the typical alchemist, attempting to turn metal into gold - he has plenty of money (thanks to the misses). Rather, Kerry the Alchemist has fashioned his practice not of gold, but of political success. Replacing base metals with sheer political failures and gaffes, Kerry has high hopes of making good on his past mess-ups. However, I call to mind the fact that no alchemist, medieval or modern, has never succeeded in their quest. If they have, you can either thank a tricky lie, a clever publicist, or both. Kerry has "succeeded" in reversing his mistakes, and has taken advantage of the American people in the process. To the average American, who watches the news as often as Slobodan Milosevic hands out milk and cookies, Kerry's success doesn't translate to a few gold coins, but bar upon bar of bullion.

For entertainment's sake, let's venture through the mind of John Kerry. Pack light, it's not a long trip. Ok, we're now between the ears of Senator Kerry. Pretty spacious, eh? Ok, ok, on a serious note, let's focus on whatever substance we can find. Aha, I've discovered a folder labeled "Perceptions of the American Public". It seems to me that John Kerry, Mr. Articulate, Mr. Bush-F*cked-Up, doesn't hold us in extremely high regard. Having not favored a tax cut for the middle class, which Bush has graciously awarded my family (and no, we are nowhere near the upper bracket of society)Kerry is openly expressing his devotion to the American people. Right. President Bush's tax cuts helped pay for my tuition, something that had the chance of suffering if not for the extra boost from the Oval Office. Mr. Kerry, who voted against the tax cuts, of course, argues that giving money back to the American people is not what we need. Hmm. Peculiar. Well, Mr. Kerry, what do we need? Of course, money isn't everything - oh wait, it is. I'm sorry, I must have gotten carried away in Kerry's rather wealthy state of mind. Well, John, I say this. Of course money isn't everything - to you. With a base senate salary, and wife related to Rich Uncle Pennybags, money shouldn't be anything. But here's a memo you might not have read - to the average American family, money is something. It's something we work for, day in and day out. It's something for which we struggle. It's something President Bush gave back to us. It's something you didn't want to. A successful alchemist is never honest.

Like I said before, Senator John Kerry doesn't have our best interests at heart. It's no shock that this war on terror is a challenge. Last time I checked, war wasn't some afternoon picnic in Central Park - no matter how bad Kerry wants it to be. This war will require the same elements every war prior has required: men, guns, time, money. It's quite simple, you take one factor out, we lose the war. However, if we gel the four into a lethal combination, victory will come. John Kerry, candidate for President of the United States, wants to cut military spending. John Kerry, candidate for President of the United States, wants to downsize the American Armed Forces. John Kerry, candidate for President of the United States, wants to place America's security on a back shelf, and look to protect the "supreme" interests of the UN. I must have forgotten why Kerry would want to look to the UN for help in the War on Terror. Of course, if help is offered we should surely take it. Hell, we might even go so far as to ask for it, just be nice. But John Kerry is taking this to a whole new level. What does the UN have that the American Military doesn't? Oh! The cooperation of France! Well then! It seems to make unholy amounts of sense to drop everything and bow for France, the world's #1 superpower. Pardon me? Did I hear that correctly? France isn't the world's superpower? Then who is -- Kenya, Singapore? What's that? America!? No kidding?! What the hell was John Kerry thinking. A successful alchemist is never honest.

As I further analyzed the comparison between medieval alchemist and the brilliant John Kerry, I noticed one final thing. The definition, in part, read: "the discovery...and the preparation of the elixir of longevity". Ok, perhaps you haven't noticed, but John Kerry has the personal staying power of dirty underwear under a power-washer. However, Kerry the Alchemist isn't as dim-witted has we may have assumed. Like a parasite, or even a leech, Kerry has learned to cling to sources that bring him recognition. Kerry's host - the Clintons. Whether Kerry will admit it or not, the only reason the democratic party stands a tenth of a chance is because the Clintons have the media clenched in the palm of their hands. Simply put, the Clintons are Kerry's (and ever other democrat's) Elixir of Longevity. As long as Hillary talks about the trauma of Bill's 'exploits', and Bill continues to tout tidbits like sleeping on the couch for months, Kerry has it made. Does Kerry deserve this attention? Like Gandhi deserves the electric chair. The Clintons, as long as they live, will bring attention of the democratic party, whether it be John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, or Dennis Kucinich. As the saying goes, bad press is still press, and the Clintons are press - no doubt about it. I highly doubt that Kerry will admit the Clinton-effect on the democratic party. He's seems to be the type that's willing to take credit for all the good things he never does. But, believe it or not, he'll be the first to manipulate it. Pitted against arch-rival George W. Bush, and headed on a collision course for the first week of November, don't be surprised if you see the odd picture of Kerry reading Clinton's newest release, slipping the sly comment on the "wonderful atmosphere" the Clinton administration gave America, or feeding off his host. Yes, the Clintons provide a plethora of opportunities for Kerry, simply because they're the Clintons, and they're democrats. Somehow, sound-byte America has fallen in love, the sort of love that generates votes. However, deep down, every single American knows the Clintons. We all know the smooth-talking, debonair Bill, who seduces young interns and never wears a belt (for convenience's sake). We know the brash and bitter Hillary, who never fails to emit that permeating air of friendliness (also known as schizophrenia). Unfortunately for John Kerry, we Americans tend to lose all interest after a certain point. From Sammy Sosa's corked bat, to John Kerry's hideous face gawking at Jane Fonda, to the Clintons aura, after a certain point we just don't give a damn. Hey, Ponce de Leon never found his fountain of youth, and the closest thing John Kerry's going to get to an Elixir of Longevity is botox. Oh yeah, and a successful alchemist is never honest.

The idea of alchemy might have been appealing to the medieval gold-digger, dream chaser, weirdo, and John Kerry, but it's not feasible for the average American. Perhaps Senator Kerry needs to change strategies and adopt a philosophy that will actually benefit America. Funny, but I always thought that was the point of running for President. Kerry the Alchemist is once again telling us he’s successfully turned metal into gold. You’d be a fool to believe him, but it’s your choice. Either way, a successful alchemist is... what - "never honest"? No, I wasn't going to overstay my welcome and say that again. Geez, give me chance.

Ok, one last time:

A successful alchemist is either an excellent liar or completely insane.

You choose.