Dear Mr. Moore,

As I'm sure you're well aware, another Father's Day has come and gone. There's a certain tradition, if it can be called so, that finds my family seated around our kitchen table. With tender ribs smeared across our sun-burnt faces, we eagerly await the annual Apple Pie. I can imagine that all the references to food are tempting, Mr. Moore, but I ask you to restrain yourself for the time being. Trust me, it never killed anyone to listen for a few minutes - especially without food. As the pie, and the complement of vanilla ice cream, is distributed around, we soak in the atmosphere. Like a homemade crust saturated by the cinnamon apples, we absorb the sunny weather, the warm breezes, and the unbelievable food all in the comfort of our own home. Now, it's certainly not a stretch to say that our family isn't exactly wealthy. Mr. Moore, it's important to this family that our money is earned, and though it may be scarce at times, it's most definitely not undeserved. One could say that my family, with their Apple Pie on a warm Father's Day, is living the American Dream. It seems to me that I can almost hear the excrement dripping from your pants, Mr. Moore. I know that the mere phrasing of "American Dream" has certain effects on your bowel, but please, hear me out.

You're an American, Mr. Moore. Whether you like it or not, you're an American. You live under the same rules (or so one would think) that I do - the same rules that my father lives under. We live under the same banner as our neighbors - the same banner as the men who've died for it. If you think about it, we're not that opposite. However, I probably shouldn't say that. There's a noticeable difference between you and me, and no, it's not the 450 pounds, it's ideology. It's the fact that I'm grateful for what I have, for what I've earned. It's the fact that you aren't. Well, actually, I'm wrong again. I'm sure your grateful for the living you've made, but to what do you owe credit? Do you owe it to your European constituents who have supported your rather weighty backside through every slanderous word you've written and spoken? Perhaps. Perhaps you owe credit to the men who've died so that you may benefit by the free press that they've protected. Perhaps even, and this is purely speculation (something you're quite familiar with), you owe it to yourself. I'm sure that you've been labeled a 'hypocrite' by many of this nation's conservatives. Imagine that. It's an absolute shame. You? Mr. Michael Moore, acclaimed writer and director? The same Michael Moore who promotes distribution of wealth, socialism, and European lifestyles, but still manages to rake in a robust seven-digit pay check at the end of the year. I should probably understand you to live by the 'do as I say, not as I do' philosophy. Come to think of it, I'm wrong again. A humble and soft-spoken man as yourself would never pay himself the respect he deserves.
Thank God for that.

Mr. Moore, I have a simple question for you. I completely understand if you choose not to answer - I know it's rude to talk with your mouth full, so I'll patiently await your reply. Are you too good to be an American? Again, I’ll completely understand if you are. However, let me entice you to our side with facts that you simply cannot deny. America is one of the most obese nations on the globe. Hey, whaddya know, you fit right in! Also, America is the only place where you can truly express your outrageously inconceivable ideas! It's would completely illogical to imagine yourself surviving in Saddam Hussein's Iraq with your journalistic tendencies. But look on the bright side, I'm sure you could convince Saddam to change the Food-For-Oil delivery site to your home address. In all seriousness, I can honestly imagine a resilient fellow, such as yourself, to last all of 30 minutes in Saddam's prisons, but that's not your scene, is it? You'd much rather leave it to the young Americans who die so that you can trash the country they lived in - the country off which you thrive.

Mr. Moore, the American life has suited me just fine, although I may just be another American moron, as you're probably prone to believe. It's rather unfortunate that the men who've died to protect our homes, our honor, aren't alive to witness you, Mr. Moore. However, there is one thing I wish for them. I hope that their coffins are wide - it would be a shame for them to turn over in such a small space. I'm sure you disagree, but I find that the taste of Apple Pie on a warm and breezy day is a tradition worth living for, and apparently one to die for. Yes, this America has done me just fine.

Oh, look at that. There just so happens to be an extra piece of apple pie, draped in the flag you’ve sworn to blaspheme. Mr. Moore, I've saved this piece for you.

You're a smart guy.

You'll know where to shove it.