Ladies and Gentlemen of America,

I wish to make it quite clear that, in light of recent events, I apologize neither for my actions nor comments. Of course, being of the "silver-spoon" demographic, I can only speak for myself when I say that I know nothing about the little people of the country. I know nothing of the plasterers, the laborers, the non-union-can't-pay-for-my-child's-braces typical American, why? Because I don't care. Honestly, these are "average" Americans with less intelligence than the toilet bowl from which my dog drinks. Let's face the facts, the typical run-of-the-mill American doesn't know how to run a country, let alone choose a leader. Look at our President. Not only did he provide tax cuts for the moron class, otherwise known as the laborers, but he also defends American honor. What nerve! What the American people need is not a rambling Texan, who is actually proud to defend the namesake of his nation, but a leader with astronomically low levels of gumption - "balls", for the lay man. Once such leader would be myself. It's absolutely abhorrent to assume that America, who's trodden over countless enemies in wars past (a tradition that sadly continues today), should again defend herself. It's become abnormally clear that any hope of victory in whatever conflict we so choose to involve ourselves in, should immediately be dashed. To further the point, we should not only dash whatever chances of victory we had, but humiliate ourselves in the process. What the American people need is a vision - a vision of false media reports, of anti-American rallies! America's voice has reached its highest decibel! It's time to silence Lady Liberty, and replace with her with our new direction - Lady Liberal, or Lady Europe, perhaps even Lady Walk-All-Over-Us-Cause-We-Won't-Do-Anything. Ah, it's a beautiful future that faces our nation. As the walls of democracy crumble, the socialist dawn will rise over Washington. We'll scrap the massive hunk of copper known as the Statue of Liberty. Perhaps we'll even melt it down and mold it to the new World Penny, adopted by our counterparts in Europe. We'll form coalitions with France and Canada and traipse around the world, badmouthing the old ways of American past. We'll denounce the likes of President Washington, claiming that his victory on Christmas Day was deceitful - a classic example of American tyranny. We'll belittle the names of American veterans, specifically those who threw their lives to the wind, upon orders by the satanic Federal Government. It's these men who represent the highest levels of old American cowardice. The shameful day of June 6, 1944, in which thousands upon thousands of these young men, who without brain or reason fought for the evils of democracy, gave their lives for the spreading of fear. I claim that the blood they spilled in those Atlantic waters was not red, but yellow. We will march upon the memorials; trounce the veterans who oppose us, perhaps giving the finger to one while speaking to a bunch of impressionable youths. Yes, people of the new America, 2004 will be a time of unprecedented change; we'll crumble the ways of the American past - the honor and faith that at once we supported. Yes, America has seen her time in the sun, and, fortunately, it is now setting.

Thank you,



Senator John Kerry