Kerry's America, Kitchen Now!

The delicate fields waft slowly in the smooth, country air. Sloping hills and still prairies cover the landscape and fall oblong over the horizon. The sturdy, quaint country home stands in tune with the surroundings, yet somehow establishes it's presence. The typified stump, with axe lodged into the wooden surface, sits center among pieces of chopped timber. A veranda porch and smoking chimney create and conclude an air of picturesque home life. As the clatter of horses in the stable fail to startle any normal countryman, the aromas from a busy kitchen ease out of the windows. The soft trotting of footsteps make their way to the finely crafted, oaken front door. John Kerry, draped in a down-home-country apron, reading "Humble Winner of the 2004 Election: Welcome Home", steps out onto the porch and rings the dinnertime triangle. Across the vast front yard come running the guests, who were eagerly awaiting their meal. Kerry, with the smile of a country momma, greets his diners, Usama Bin Laden, Muqtada al Sadr, and a lively bunch of turbaned locals. Yes, John Kerry has opened the door to his home, appropriately named 'America', and has lead is guests straight to the dinning room. Yes, John Kerry has knelled the dinner bell. John Kerry has sent an open invitation.

"Come one, come all. It's dinner time in America. The main course, you say? Why, it's the finest cuts of American safety and lives. Of course, for our special guests, we've twisted the dishes with the essence of radical Islam, and a touch of outrageous terrorism. It comes highly recommended. Our new friend, Muqtada al Sadr, an extremely anti-American Shiite cleric, who enjoys long walks down the streets of Baghdad, and speaking his mind through Iraqi rag newspapers, has arrived for dinner right on schedule. John Kerry, who preludes the main course with a small side of Appeasement, which provides the perfect complement to this Middle Eastern delicacy, is slaving in the kitchen, stewing up some winning formula for a successful four years. Then end result, why it's a flexible backbone! Ladies and gentlemen, John Kerry has apparently steered far of his firm stance on terror and upheaval, replacing his campaign promises with a newly modeled flexible spine. Folks, this spine isn't something you can pick up at your local K-Mart. This spine is perfectly crafted with the latest technology, realistic bone mass, and lined with an elastic fiber that allows it bend over backwards to any seemingly complicated problems! Let's take a look as John Kerry demonstrates! It seems as though an American serviceman, seated at the table appropriately labeled "infidels", is attempting to make a toast. Kerry, with his back to the soldier, swivels in place and complacently respects his guest's wishes. Standing now, preparing to lightly tap his glass with his rusty spoon, the soldier begins to mouth his words. And what's this! It appears as though al Sadr's followers, who have remained still and silent until this point, have stood up and begun to run around the table, chanting phrases and pointing at the soldier. John Kerry, with his hands apparently tied by some final preparations in the kitchen, puts his new spine to the test and bends over backwards! Now looking up at bin Laden, Kerry eases some whispers in al Sadr's direction - all while maintaining his dishes on the stove! Look at that skill folks! I'm not sure if you got the whole picture at home, so I'll send you over to Dennis at the tele-strator!"

"Thanks, Howard. For all you at home, who might not have seen the skill that John Kerry just demonstrated, let me slow it down for you. Here we have Kerry, slowly ladling substance from the old dish 'War on Terror', and mixing it with a pinch of salt and 'Homeland Security' (also known as Free-Roam Borders, Limited-Military Personnel, and Appeasement-of-Euro-Demands). Now this is where the action speeds up. I've paused it here, focusing on the face of esteemed guest Muqtada al Sadr Notice the grin he exhibits has his men scream and dance around the table, interrupting the feeble American serviceman as he tries to speak his mind. Now I'm going to cut to Kerry, who notices the efforts of al Sadr’s men. Ok, stop! In slow motion, notice Kerry immediately begin to bend backwards. Look at the flex in his spine! Wow! Here we can slow it down more and hear what he whispers to al Sadr. Let's listen in: Muqtada, I don't care how much noise you make back home, but the dummies of America might not like it here on the home front. I know, you're right, and we're working on pulling our troops and putting you in power as we speak. How about that! People, you have just bore witness to John Kerry bending his spine to unbelievable proportions, all while mixing the ingredients for his next ingenious plot! It makes me wonder if this man actually has a spine! Well, that's it for me at the tele-strator. Back to you, Howard."

"Ladies and gentlemen, the expert analysis of Dennis Kucinich. While Dennis was clarifying, it seems as though John Kerry has put his spine to use again. While al Sadr calmed his men, Usama attempted to pass some paper, green of color, and six inches in length, across the table to his Iraqi comrade. Unable to reach the grasp of al Sadr, bin Laden requested the help of Host Kerry. Now putting the finishing touches on his signature dish "Fillet of Sanctity", Kerry responds to Usama by stretching his backbone, bending towards the table, and extended his arms to reach the package. Taking it in one hand, and continuing the stirring with the other, Kerry passes it to al Sadr, who appears delighted, and is greeting with a chuckle from the French Delegate adjacent him.

"It appears that Kerry has prepared all of his dishes, and is now ready for distribution. Calling on his aide, the stunningly ambidextrous John Edwards, Kerry first passes his famed dish, 'Infiltrating American Cities', to Usama bin Laden and his followers. With a second course serving of 'Increasingly Inept Intelligence', Kerry is met by the absolute thrill of bin Laden and his men. Happy faces abound as Kerry and Edwards now pass the dish of 'Decreasing Military Presence' to al Sadr and his friends. Followed by dual courses of 'Free Reign of Iraqi Press', and 'Full Coverage in American Papers', al Sadr appears wholly satisfied and full to the brim. Onto the French delegate, who willingly accepts his fair-sized portion of 'Slander-Pot-Pie', and a robust soup known as 'Our Aims are Your Aims', the Frenchmen seems incredibly pleased. With the remaining scraps of bread, and the water remaining from the pitchers, Kerry has a nameless kitchen aid administer them to the American servicemen. With some attempt at protest, the soldier is met by an about face in the opposite direction, and a request for seconds from bin Laden and al Sadr both!

"Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Food Network and CNN, I'd like to take this opportunity to extend my greatest respect to the French on this Bastille Day. Your contribution to modern war-fare, and the art of graceful surrender, not to mention society as a whole, as been simply immeasurable. Folks, this program has been history in the making! You've witnessed John Kerry's newly enhanced spine put to use for the demands of radical Islam, fanatic Shiite clerics, and honorable French delegates. And then there's the culinary aspect. Combining methods of defiling the flag, and the ancient art of anti-Americanism, John Kerry has created meals fit to satisfy even the most anti-American and vengeful. Yes, this has been an event of epic proportions.

"As we prepare to leave you until our next thrilling episode, we ask you to remember: Kerry's America, Kitchen Now!

"For Dennis Kucinich, I'm Howard Dean."