The (Perforated) Hard Line

As Christmas fast approaches (oh no, I feel a lame, clichéd intro coming), I'm continually being asked what I'd like to receive. While there are a number of things I'd love to have, such as total conversion of the leftist movement, and other delightful holiday treats, it's hard to take a firm stance on one solitary object. Therefore, I've changed my tune and decided that I want nothing more than ideological peace of mind. In this case, I told myself, it's important that I immediately forget any logic I may have developed and take part in the bipartisan effort to transform myself into a genuine liberal (or secular progressive, whatever that means). Yes, I want to be liberal for Christmas. I don't want a fire truck, batman toys, or national security - I want world peace and blankets of love for the homeless people in Kuala Lumpur. Is it a lofty goal, an unrealistic ambition? I should hope not. American liberals seem to be fairly satisfied with the results of such thinking.

Ok, so maybe I don't want liberalization for Christmas - just a little fib for all of you equipped with a slight sense of humor. It's something that I've come to see as necessary, a sense of humor, that is, especially after this election season. Liberal outcry has been absolutely hilarious, and the state of the Democratic Party after blowing a shoo-in election (or so they thought), has left me with something of a smirk. But be warned, this country is in for four more years of homophobic hatred and unconstitutional legislation that caters, surprisingly enough, to rich, white, fatboys who oppress everyone below them. That's Tom Daschle's going away/Christmas (or Holiday) present to myself and the rest of Conservative America - the "truth". The sad thing is, as Daschle joins the "growing" list of the unemployed, that Americans just don't believe his truth. And they shouldn't. Don't get me wrong, Tom Daschle has done wonders for America (although they escape me at the moment), and it's probably unfair of me to target him specifically, so I'll just make rabid generalizations of the whole radical left.

For Christmas this year, the liberals of America have a special gift for you and me. That gift, neatly packaged in a bundle of ribbon and righteousness, is a detailed list of how America's headed for the proverbial crapper. Firstly, our illegitimate President can't be trusted with the War on Terror. They might be right. I'm sure Saddam would have gladly abdicated if he'd only faced the army of Sycamores and Willows with which (President) Gore planned to beautify Iraq.
Secondly, as we see the passing of broadcasters such as Rather and Brokaw, the liberals have introduced us to the next generation of hard line journalists. Yes, hard on everything (including the eyes) that calls itself conservative, but soft on everything else. They're amazingly soft on a cutthroat enemy that eats, sleeps, and defecates destruction of the west, yet somehow are portrayed with the same moral equivalence as our American troops. They're irreverently soft on radical "civil rights" leaders (Jesse Jackson, Louis Farrakhan) who preach ideologies of ludicrous intolerance, racism, and anti-Semitism. They're horribly soft on deceased advocates of Israeli demise and threats to prosperity in a war-torn region (namely Yasser Arafat). But, the hard line, as perforated as it may be, does have some solid segments. They're hard on Clarence Thomas, one of the few stand-up figures that black Americans should view as a definitive role model. They're hard on American troops for defending themselves in the heat of battle and breaking the occasional "rule" while the enemy doesn't even own a translated copy of the code to begin with. They're hard on conservatives who favor American prosperity and security first and foremost. The list goes on and on, friends. The truth is this: liberals are the most generous people ever. Especially during Christmases following defeat.

The liberal hard line, as soft and flaccid as it may be, oddly enough resembles the famed (and extremely successful) Maginot Line of France. This engineering masterpiece firmly fortified sections of France from future German assaults. With intricate tunnel systems and dozens of concrete turret hubs, the Maginot Line was destined for victory. Until it failed. Miserably. The liberal hard line is full of holes, holes that it simply cannot defend with right-minded logic. Our job as rational conservatives is to simply go around this line. But don't expect the liberals to fold as shamelessly as France (although you might expect it). They've got passion and ruthlessness that some of us simply just aren't ready to combat. However, we have no choice. As liberals take up their arms of slander and libel and seek to destroy the foundations of America, it's time we strategize. There's nothing wrong with a pre-emptive strike. Right, Bill?

Friends, as I settle down for my long winters nap, I look forward to waking up on Christmas morning. Not expecting much of what I actually did want, there are certain things that I know I'll get regardless - and they're listed above (along with grievances too numerous to mention). However, there's one thing about Christmas that's always reliable. There's one thing, one powerful eraser of the liberal hard line that just might do the trick. Any guesses?

That's right - a good, old-fashioned return policy.

Merry Christmas.